Although complying with a request to turn down his incessant, droning, death-metal somewhat, I simply can’t underestimate the effect the new tenant below continues to have on my bloody moods and ability to concentrate on anything but the inevitable forthcoming bout of torture to come!
The subsequent low level grind is now reasonable enough in terms of volume, leaving it quite churlish for any more complaint, but remains just loud enough to destroy any semblance of peace and self control! I know I'm sometimes on the verge of cracking anyway!
For hours on end, at various times which appear to have no routine to them at all, the same old abrasive pitch grinds away, leaving me stewing in self pity, believing that someone has been allocated by a higher authority to follow me through life simply as punishment for some cacophonic misdemeanour I must clearly have performed in a previous existence. Or Perhaps, like the bloke during the end of my tenure in Warsaw, who whether it were day or night simply pumped up the volume whenever we politely asked him to shut-the-fuck-up or not, the Diabeł downstairs might just be a bit thick! Dominika certainly thinks so anyway, describing him as needing to be committed, or did she say omitted from society and life in general!
Well, that’s one excuse out of the way as to why the work just isn’t clicking right now, but it does emphasise the fact that painter's block has settled in and settled in good and proper since the annoying git moved in around a month ago!
Even a much needed break away has made little impact on the flow of the old creative juices. Indeed, sitting overlooking Lake Serwy a mere week or so ago seems like an eon ago now, and it certainly seemed to signal yet another summer to bite the dust - Not that there’s been much dust this summer to clear from the throat. Even here in Poland, where we might not have had the horrific rain-made lakes that England has had to endure, it’s been a washout never-the-less. It might only be close to the end of August, and regardless of the last few days of blistering temperatures, it’s pretty obvious that autumn is lurking and has been since the end of spring… A kind of missing year as a whole I’d call it where at the beginning it promised much, and ended with little happening in-between.
It’s not all doom and gloom of course, but with little in the way of completed projects to show for some bloody hard work, it feels like it!
The paintings have been on hold now, well, as I say, about a month, and to be completely honest, the dynamism to complete them has simply deserted both body and soul, leaving a dried up lethargic looking palette lying there collecting dust with me seriously wondering when, if ever, it will be called into action again..?
And damn it, how promising the work looks as it all waits there wondering itself whether it will live or die – Just where the hell does the will fuck off too, to complete the buggers anyway? It already feels like it has little chance of surviving this ‘fickle’ mind of mine, but I daren’t tell Dominika that just yet – She loves the canvases as the buggers stand..! Perhaps if canvas was easy to come by then it wouldn’t matter so much? The paintings could then go to hell on their own without the inevitable push from me :-)
Is it my age? Am I simply just painted out? I know that video, photography, even drawing seem to run their course like determined homing pigeons in the auld head anyway – Why not painting? Is it the ‘twat’ downstairs? To a certain extent, yes; his annoyingly miserable choice of harmony doesn’t help, but it’s something deeper, something a bit more fundamental surely! Age? Perhaps? I mean, the processes involved in video, photography and drawing allow for faster resolutions, and it becomes somewhat obvious that the older one gets, there’s less time to get done what wants to be done. And, I dunno, sometimes painting isn’t always the right medium suited to the subject we have in mind anyway..?
1999 kiss inertia 56X56 cm
The most likely problem with painting for me however might just be down to my very own legacy. The fact that I haven’t painted on a regular and intensive basis now for over seven years, and more importantly that I had developed a style over the previous twenty which encompassed many of the attributes associated with more contemporary media by the end of that dynamic output, then that has left me struggling this year to gain a sense of something more direct. Not easy to switch suddenly back to painting from video and hope to find some kind of uninterrupted or immediate solution eh. The fact is, ‘it’ has been interrupted, and broken up big style in the intervening years! These, or this newfound desire to paint really can’t be realised overnight, that much I understand, but it remains truly frustrating not to be seen to be getting anywhere fast!
Once again, particularly on my part, the thought of this summer hinted at a number of undertakings to be completed, but the guarantees both Dominika and yours truly gave one another have resulted in little more than false assurances. I mean, what the hell happened to the inevitable annual promise of summer skies filled with dizzy high flying swifts? Like the summer itself, note one or two brave little black devils silhouetted against the overcast skies while the rest remained at home somewhere in Africa or wherever they frequent the winter months! It might not be the fault of the weather, but if we can’t blame the low pressure, then what?
Got to admit, it was a relief for both of us to be in the lakes to relax and unwind for a bit anyway. I’m a bit of a townie really when it comes to re-charging the power-pack, but being in the country again did help to take stock a little, and to get away from work for a week, was essential - especially for Dominika - It’s clear for all to see that this year’s workload has taken its toll on both of us, but particularly for Dominika who has had a bit of a chaotic year all round really – The poor lass has deserved more of a holiday than this to be honest, and I’ve got to admit, there’s a bit of guilt on my part to have insisted on staying on in Białstok to get the work done, when I for one have little to show for it.
In turn, adjusting to living in Białystok full-time for both of us over the last year is beginning to take its toll, if not on our personal relationship, for no other reason than the fact Białstok long term has little to offer bar its wonderful people – It actually reminds me a lot of my home town but without the mixture of nightlife and alternative cultural directive that Sunderland has to offer. It often can quite simply feel like a cultural desert. If it wasn’t for Gallery Arsenal’s efforts to bring something in the way of contemporary art to the city, the place would actually be dead for me! Finding something of real substance in the studio is one thing, and can be seen as a challenge to overcome, but finding something ‘inspiring’, away from the big-city life which came with living in Warsaw is something completely different… Truth is, for all its provincial charm, Białstok itself can be quite boring as a place to live and in the long-run, sadly holds little interest for either of us… Indeed, the funny thing is that anything which has proved remotely entertaining culturally and socially (i.e. good old Rubikon and the mates we made there) seems to cease to exist in Białstok the moment Dominika and I touch it – Mind you, in Poland generally, we seem to have this effect on places – Ask Emilia about Gdzieś Jeszcze in Warsaw :-)
In consequence then, none of this makes an approach to galleries in Berlin feasible just yet; and this was the main goal this summer beyond finishing the work which frightens the shit out of me sometimes. Of course, none of this signals the end of the world, but as far as our career moves are concerned, things were planned to happen now and it all remains so bloody frustrating that we haven’t even yet got off the drawing board!
You could draw the conclusion here that everything is going just a tad askew, but you’d be wrong. The frustration really does stem from the fact that we, or rather I, have been a little too ambitious with schedules! The positives are there for all to see too. Life in Białystok, although often like covering your eyes with a blindfold and throwing yourself into a darkened pit, isn’t exactly that bad and we’ve made a lot of new friends while living here. The lack of distractions outside of the studio also allows for greater development which, although taking too god-dam long, would most likely have taken twice as long if we were still living our double lives with me in Warsaw and Dominika stuck here the majority of the time. And again, being able to pop up to Lake Serwy whenever we like, it simply makes you glad to be alive.
On the whole, it was a lovely week away. Swimming in the clear waters every day has the knack of washing away the troubles of the world and being away from work did help a fair bit to put ideas into a bit more of a clear perspective!
Mind you, perspective up there, where you truly do feel cut off from the rest of the world, is often an ambiguous affair to say the least. Put aside the seasonal excitement of hunting for wild mushrooms in the forest for example, or the occasional fisherman arriving to dive for Pike – spear in hand, then, on the way back from posting my Godson’s birthday card at the nearest post office, which incidentally lies a good ten kilometre bike ride away, we came across a car crash right next to the cottage. Virtually the whole population had turned out with deckchairs and picnics to gaze on in wonder while the local constabulary took control, or rather lack of control of the situation, for get caught by the Police crossing the road while the green man is red then they chuck you in jail and through away the key. In the lakes there’s clearly a different agenda… The road which runs through the village from Las Podserski in the north to Płaska in the south has never struck me as the safest of roads, but between Police cordon and completely concertinaed cars, to watch speeding, and I mean fast, cars ignore any attempt to slow down from a trillion miles an hour as they screeched their way past the wrecked cars, onlookers, us two on our bikes and a young copper trying in vain to slow them down was just flabbergasting to behold… The young copper just smiled knowingly at Dominika, and while I expected some sort of pursuit to ensue, noted instead how happy everyone was to let it all pass in a haze of an afternoon well spent.
In fact, we spent most of the week ourselves in a haze - a vapour of exercise, through long treks through the forest, swimming in the lake - including one midnight drunken plunge which was absolutely magnificent – you couldn’t feel the chill of the lake at all, although I did suffer what has turned out to be a broken toe as a consequence! I’ve discovered the best way to avoid the agony of the cold the lake offers you is to just go for it at almost lightning speed by running as fast as you can in the shallows until it’s deep enough to dive in. It’s this run that was probably the undoing of my toe!
Bike rides of course played a big part in the proceedings and on one such outing, we at last came across a bar, which although it looks here quite, well, completely Cowboys and Indians has proved unsurpassed by anything else the region has to offer in the way of a traditional pub atmosphere! The beer was outstanding, particularly after mile after mile pedalling away in roasting temperatures, the bar-staff didn’t appear as if they had a poker up their arses, and the place in general rocked in a way which has been hard to find in Poland generally… Add to all this the fact Cosciniec was linked to the internet too, then we were on cloud nine for a couple of hours
In between all the healthy activity and the occasional night in guzzling and dancing to the latest compilation we made while there, Dominika also managed to work on taking some rather tasty looking photographs which have turned out to be bloody brilliant - although of course she doesn’t quite see it like that herself. But anyway, the thought did occur to me about perhaps doing some work towards a show together… Think the idea would horrify her to be honest, but the thought seems second nature to me. Her photos, which she does just see as simple snapshots, but look much more considered than that, certainly inspired me anyway… Their simplicity, and this isn’t the first time she’s exhibited true genius in my opinion, are completely stimulating and also got me thinking about how much clear-cut painting could and should be for me (oh, I wish). To honest the thought of collaborating and exhibiting together really doesn’t seem a daft idea at all. Our take on the world bear incredible similarities which when combined with our completely different upbringing and life experience could and should result in something really exciting. I’d love it to happen, but perhaps realistically this’s something for the future!
Again then, we’ll see - For now, do zobaczenia!
Praga Series – Drawing and Printed Image
